On Saturday, several news outlets at the Indians clubhouse were reporting that Larry Dolan, principal owner of the Cleveland Indians, could be seen in an infernal craze while shouting the words “enjoy them” and extracting the youthful chi from several players. Multiple reports cited the presence of a pentagram on the clubhouse floor.
Amidst the hellish ceremony, the lighting in the locker room is said to have dimmed to a deep red, while the floor became covered by a thick black fog. Young stars including Shane Bieber, Oscar Mercado and Francisco Lindor appeared suspended in mid-air as their juvenescence was being sucked out through their eyes and mouths in the form of a bright blue plasma.
As the ritual came to a close, Mike Clevinger could apparently be seen laboriously crawling towards the exit while Dolan, standing directly over him, unleashed a dark and terrifying laugh.. Sports Time Ohio reports that Dolan then tortured the flame-throwing Tribe starter by forcing him to look upon the lowball figure that they planned to offer him during his first trip through arbitration next spring.
“It was horrifying,” wept Jason Kipnis, whose relative lack of remaining youth excepted him from the mandatory Mephistophelian undertaking. “I could hear the demonic incantations from the batting cages. Not even the presence of Jobu was enough to stop him.”
When approached by Always the Jake for comment, Dolan only said that ownership needs to “constantly explore creative strategies” in order to maintain a profit in such a small market. He then vanished without warning, leaving behind a cloud of soot-black smoke.