12:38pm – Shaker Heights, OH

Guardians President Chris Antonetti was arrested this morning after a Shaker Heights police officer found him sleeping in his car on the shoulder of Chagrin Blvd, Always the Jake has learned.

With less than five and a half hours until Major League Baseball’s August trade deadline, the police department was shocked to learn that Antonetti was taking a nap with his head rested on top of his vehicle’s steering wheel. The arresting officer was responding to multiple calls from concerned citizens, one of whom stated that they were “unsure as to whether or not he was dead.”

According to the official report, Guardians GM Mike Chernoff was also found sleeping in the vehicle, with his head leaned up against the right side of the steering wheel. Because he was in the front passenger’s seat, however, he was not in violation of any traffic laws. He was simply woken up by the officer, and tasked with driving Antonetti’s vehicle home.

One anonymous witness tells Always the Jake that they believe Antonetti and Chernoff were asleep at the wheel not just this morning, but since last night. The witness described them as “making no moves at all” while inside the vehicle, which may have remained in the exact same spot since 8:00pm on Monday evening.

Despite credible reports to the contrary, Antonetti maintains he was working hard the entire time. He describes his past 16 hours as being jam-packed with “due diligence” and “exploring all options that make sense for the ballclub”.

He expressed an urgency to owner Paul Dolan to release him on bail. At this time, Dolan is known to be evaluating whether or not the Guardians organization has the cash flow to post Antonetti’s $4,000 bail.

“If you’re out there listening, Paul, please expedite my release,” Antonetti pleaded. He went on to mention that he only has a few hours left to trade for Nick Wittgren and a mediocre platoon player that 95% of Cleveland has never heard of in their entire lives.